Monday, January 23, 2012

President Paternoster - Watchman on the Tower

Brothers and Sisters in these last days of trouble and gloom Satan is trying harder than ever to divert us from our path towards eternal life and exaltation.  Our enemies are all around and we must ever be vigilant and alert.  The enemy of which I shall speak today is of greatest threat to our souls as it comes from those who have apostatized from the one true Church.  These once faithful members who used to bare their testimonies stating that they knew without a shadow of doubt that the Church was true have fallen from the path of righteousness and seek to bring others down to their pitiful level.

They write books and blogs and start up forums in a vain attempt to get attention.  They seek to gain a following and like Satan delight in making others miserable like unto themselves.  They are experts at making the Church look cultish and dysfunctional.  They deceive by painting a false picture of the Church and what we (the humble and faithful followers of Christ) are striving to do, which is to become as God is. 

One such example is of a person who calls himself Raptor Jesus.  I don’t usually read Anti-Mormon rubbish but as a watchman on the tower and an esteemed apologist for the Church I decided to read one such book to see what the latest tactics of the adversary were.  The book was called “The Passion of Raptor Jesus and the Road to Mormon Apostasy”

The book has received rave reviews from Ex-Mormons the world over and even some non members have read it and claim (falsely I might add) that it has given them a better understanding of our sacred religion.

One of the reasons I chose to read this particular book was because it was easily downloadable from at at a cost of just $2.99.  The Amazon site also offers free kindle software so I was able to start reading on my computer right away.

Once I started reading so outrageous and blasphemous were the claims that I was unable to get any work done and I completely missed my High Council meeting that evening.  The author whom I will simply call Raptor (so as to not take the name of the Lord in vain) outlines the purpose of the book near the beginning saying basically that once you leave the Church “everything you stamped down and suppressed as a member is now finally able to be free and you can parade the freak show of Mormonism out onto the public.”  The book is clearly a desperate attempt for external validation from a deranged soul who was unwilling to submit to the life of freedom and opportunity outlined for him, for his own benefit, by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Like all former members it is easy to tell that deep down Raptor still knows the Church is true because he states on page 110 that “Mormonism is the restored and only true church on the earth. Other churches may have "some truth" but only Mormonism has the "fullness of the gospel." And this is why when talking to Mormons; they'll always refer to their church as "The Church." Because every other church is just some random silly billy church.”  I couldn’t agree more.

He talks of his upbringing, his first temple experience, his failure to serve a full time mission (due to him lacking the faith to be healed) and ultimately his loss of faith and departure from the Church. 

Just to give you an idea of the rubbish he writes I will share with you some random parts of the book where he speaks of the temple and his own sacred washing, anointing and endowment sessions.  I have put stars where I deemed the language inappropriate for this faith promoting blog. Without divulging the sacred nature of the temple I will say that as part of the temple endowment ceremony there is a film about the creation of the earth and mankind.  Here is what Raptor had to say:

“Adam and Eve are blond and white, ok? None of this science b***s**t about coming from Africa with dark skin that as simple adaptation to the sun and as mankind spread across the globe, the skin adapted as less melanin was needed…….

….Satan reminds Adam and Eve that their swimsuit areas are not covered by anything and ferchr**tsake put on some fig leaves before god sees them. Adam and Even obey Satan and put on aprons of fig leaves.  The movie stopped, and we in the audience were then instructed to also obey Satan…...”

This is ridiculous. We do not obey Satan in the temple; we simply take his suggestion to be modest and cover up just like Adam and Eve did.

“Satan answers Adams prayers and tells him that if Adam wants religion – Satan’s got it and at rock bottom prices. Adam pouts because he misses talking to his daddy, and wants the Truth and not just Religion…..

….At this point the ceremony changes from an episode of Mystery Science 3000 to a slumber party where you promise god you'll be his BFF and ever, and list all the things you'll do for his church.”

Brothers and Sisters in our sacred scriptures (D&C 59:15) we learn that “much laughter is sin” and in D&C 88:121 we are instructed to cease from all (loud) laughter and light mindedness.  Raptor seems to have a problem making a covenant with the Lord to obey this commandment.  This is what he said (I have dotted out the words of the covenant due to its sacred and holy nature and in accordance with the promise I have made to not divulge it):

“I didn't get creeped out until the covenant that I was promising to avoid all "L…L……. and L…. M………." What the f***? Why would god give a s*** about that? And to give that its own specific covenant with symbolism? I started to feel a little sick - god didn't want me to be me. And the stupid handshakes and body symbols came with a promise to not ever divulge them to prevent god being mocked! Well, if god didn't want to be mocked, he should have thought about that before making his ceremony chalk full of assclownery.”

I have never in all my days upon this earth heard such blasphemy.  Raptor concludes with these thoughts:

“The endowment ceremony is supposed to be symbolic of life. It was the pinnacle of spiritual experiences available to the elect of the elect. It is supposed to be about the nature of creation, god, religion, and man's place in the universe. Instead, the ceremony is confusing, full of lies and half-truths, and at times horrifying. You make promises that you can never live up to, and once it's done NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT. Instead your family is there to greet you in the Celestial Room after you pass through the veil (symbolizing death). They surround saying, "Congratulations. It's over and you made it. Now let's all go to Village Inn to get Belgian Waffles and we'll never speak of this again."

The MTC and mission stories all contain the same kind of talk which I can guarantee will be of no interest to you.  Later in the book Raptor commits a sin so grievous that I felt I could take no more.  Yes Brothers and Sisters, Raptor speaks ill of one of the Lord's anointed claiming that his Stake President had an affair.  This is completely uncalled for and unnecessary; Stake Presidents, like Joseph Smith, are amongst the most humble, chaste and Christlike men I know.  Such accusations cannot and must not go unpunished.    

To all within the sound of my voice I implore you to stay away from such material.  To the person who calls himself Raptor Jesus if you are reading this blog I President William Lilburn Godfrey Paternoster invite you to come back to the safety of the fold.  You may be far gone but it is not too late for you.  Your days of probation are not yet over and there is still time to forsake your evil ways, remove your book from and be happy once again.  Yea come unto Christ and be baptized with full purpose of heart and endure to the end.  Only if you do this can you be saved from that awful state which awaits the wicked. 


The President


Eric Nickerson said...

My dear Stake President, I feel humbled that I am the first to leave a comment.

You forgot to change "assclownery" to "a**clownery". And words like that make a sailor like me blush crimson.

I think all persons who read this blog should go to and read Raptor J****'s book to see for themselves and test their temple covenants to not laugh and such.

Thank you again for your inspired words and may we all strive to follow your example and buy this book.


Anonymous said...


This is NOT a website sanctioned by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Nor is "President Paternoster" a stake president within the Church. Rather, this site is farce, and not good farce, at that.

Most of the posts here are written by quasi-apostates who mock those who are sincerely striving, albeit imperfectly, to follow Jesus.

Caveat utilitor.

WWN said...

Thank you, President Paternoster, for this vital information. We will be sure to avoid reading The Passion of Raptor Jesus so that our faith in the LDS church will remain intact!

I would like to respond to one item you quoted from the book; and that is, where Raptor Jesus complained, “…god didn't want me to be me.” Well, of course not!!! After the age of 8 years old, we commit many sins. Why would we want to remain such a sinning, shameful person?! Instead, we must fully rely upon the leaders of the LDS church to tell us about the many things we need to change within us in order to be acceptable to our Heavenly Father!

And so, when we commit certain sins, our church leaders encourage us to come forth and confess to our bishop (or to inform him about other members who need to confess) so that we can undergo the wonderful, cleansing effect of being disfellowshipped. Since being disfellowshipped means that we are punished by the church (in part) by our not being allowed to partake of Christ’s sacrament, it is very obvious to all the members in the ward that we have sinned. The resulting humiliation we feel is a wonderful deterrent against our ever again doing something that would bring that much shame upon us!

I sincerely hope that this disaffected Raptor Jesus person will find this blog and received your inspired counsel, President Paternoster. I know that you are divinely guided in all that you say!

Spencer said...

Thank you so much for stopping the spread of this virulent vilification of our Lord.

My finger was poised to click on the Add to Cart button when I was alerted via text, email, and a burning in the bosom that your latest post was published.

I read it just in time! Whereas heretofore I was about to another sweeping purchase of General Authorities' ghost-written and easily compiled books of quotations, thinking this book would be a classic by Elder Rapt R. Jesus of the Quorum of the Seventies...probably the 3-7th quorum of seventies as the name has a slight hispanic ring to it.

But it turns out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. It is digusting to me how many of the devil's ilk create misleading caricature personas in an attempt to spread their lies, hate, and make a buck or three online. Stay worthy, my friends!

Anonymous said...

Thank you President. I find it disgraceful that there are anti-mormons out there trying to do the devils work. May they suffer eternally for their betrayal of the sacred covenants that they feel they can throw off like a dirty garment. They have been warned by satan that they will be in his grasp forever for not keeping the handshakes and rituals secret from other anti-mormons.

Bishop Smegma said...

A prior "Anonymous" wrote in his cautionary note:

"Rather, this site is farce, and not good farce, at that."

On the contrary, Anony, this is rollicking good farce, poking fun at an obvious pseudo-religion that is prideful, silly, absurd, and demeaning of the intelligence of its members.

Probative said...

This is why the elect choose to read only books sold by Deseret Book.

Anonymous said...

I thought I was the only one who felt this way? Thanks Raptor

Anonymous said...

Personally, I refuse to buy anything from Deseret Books, especially gohst-written General Authority nonsense.

Cindy said...

Your post today has helped me to feel confidence in my leaders for warning me to stay away from "anti-Mormon" literature. It is no wonder that someone who has allowed Satan to have a hold of them would talk so disrespectfully of that which is sacred. Although it is sad to see someone degrade themselves so, even to curse and swear as the lower class tend to do, I guess that is the consequences of stepping out of the Light of Christ.

Spencer said...

May we all associate apostates' negative elements as proof of their condemnation while turning a blind eye to the systematically-inculcated ramification of our own faith and culture!

I believe Jesus (pronounced Jee-zus, not like my gardener) said something about that in the prequel to the Book of Mormon.

James said...

Oh, president, thank you so much for your inspired words.

People like Raptor Jesus just have a bone to pick because they know the Church is SO true they can't deny it, so they just start picking bones. Then they pick so many bones they finally have a whole skeleton. Then after a while, they start wanting to make a body, and they start looking for the body fibers, but realize they have lost the fiber of their beings! I know this is an inspired analogy because, I thought of it while I was reading the parable of the pickle.

I'll pray for Raptor Jesus, that he'll stop fighting against such obvious truth, and once again be willing to offer his time, talents and everything he has to the LDS Church.

Anonymous said...

Non Mormon, paid my 3 bucks to Amazon for "rapture" , brilliant read, laugh your pants off , great book!

tweedmeister said...

Thank you for this warning. I will avoid this anti-Mormon rubbish like the plague. I will continue to push any doubt that I have deep inside me, pushing it down, down, down, hard, not letting it surface, until it finally seems to go away. This is what my bishop told me to do, and he is Called of God to think for me.

Anonymous said...

I went to the "Amazon" site in order to view the cover of this wicked book, so that I might be prepared to hurry my children past it should we inadvertently encounter it in a printed edition.

Perhaps I should have been less naive and trusting. Brothers and sisters, this "Raptor" has placed on the cover a full-color photograph of himself engaged in blasphemous mockery, and---worst of all---very immodestly dressed. Avert your eyes!

Brigham Taft Pratt said...

Another inspired post President! You must be truly brave and strong in the faith to be willing to venture into enemy territory to bring us these reports. You are not unlike Nephi, who had to brave the dangers of Jerusalem to get the brass plates. Fortunately God was able to get Laban drunk enough so that Nephi could cut his head off and the plates were secured. If this beautiful event had not occured, there would be no Mormons, and the world would be a miserable place. It's amazing to see how God uses the righteous to push his eternal plan forward. You are one of God's righteous tools President. Your desire to build up the kingdom of God (Mormon Church) is inspiring. Thank you for your example to us all.

As for this Raptor Jesus, he truly is a sorry soul. How anyone could be confused by the beautifully simple temple ceremony is beyond me. It makes perfect sense as long as you turn your mind off and let your emotions (the spirit) take over.

My dear brothers and sisters, instead of reading Raptor Jesus' book, let us all take the time to read a book published by Deseret Book. The Brethren have published many books to uplift and edify us. I have an entire bookshelf full of these books. To be honest, you could probably just buy a few books because, like the ensign, it tends to be the same recycled material. Even if you don't read the books, put them on your coffee tables next to the unread ensigns for all to see.

Until next time, I wish you all the best as you sincerely strive, albeit imperfectly, to follow Jesus.

Boyd Kenneth Parker said...

How Dare You, Brigham Taft Pratt!!

Encourage people to apostasy and leading them to outer darkness, by not only buying and not reading Deseret Books, and not reading ensign, but putting them on, of all pieces of furniture, the dreaded COFFEE TABLE.

If anybody in Mormondom is going to be lured to the seductive pleasures of Satan, it will be by owning such nasty pieces of furniture as COFFEE and COCKTAIL tables, and through such foods as COFFEE CAKES, TEA RINGS, TEA SANDWICHES and TEA COOKIES.

Beware, Ye Saints - The road to Perdition is wide and paved smooth with seductive pleasures as those mentioned above

Kolobian™ said...


I must admit that after reading this so-called Raptor Jesus' book I'm starting to experience doubts I've never had before.

Although the book is riddled with common babylonian language there is a prevailing theme that I can't quite get out of my head: the church does actually do things that I don't think Jesus would do if He were here.

What do I do about these doubts?

Kolobian™ said...

Never mind, President.

I know you're busy using your priesthood mantle to heal the sick and raise the dead, so I went to my bishop with my concerns.

He told me the brethren have spoken and by thinking about things the brethren have already spoken about I'm chasing away the spirit which is why I'm having doubts.

He said thinking about things the brethren have already spoken about is no different than praying to Lucifer and asking him to possess my body.

It made sense at the time...

~tracy~ said...

Brigham Taft Pratt-

Im certain you probably dont know this, as i myself did not, when I used to call the table in front of my couch a co**ee table as well.

A dear relative of mine, who is much farther along in her quest for perfection than I, gently but firmly let me know that said table is in fact, a HOT CHOCOLATE table.

This relative has in the past, paid her tithing rather than her electric bill, causing her family of 6 children to be as our forefathers were...without electricity. This type of sacrifice for Jesus is how I know I can trust her knowledge of apppropriate names for furniture.

Please feel free to use this term in your own home, Brother Pratt. I feel it will only add to what i can tell from your name, is a righteous environment.

David Allan Buttnar said...

Thus Saith The LORD:

In addition to the one piercing per ear rule, and the no tattoos in the Celestial Kingdom decree, True Saints of Elohim must also purge thy homes of apostate dishware, cookware and flatware - such as coffee mugs, tea kettles, coffee and tea pots, teacups, teaspoons, tea strainers, bar sets, cocktail shakers, and stemware of all types.

Thus Saith The LORD.

Anonymous said...

In our home, we use the term "Postum table". However the important principle is to be vigilant against caffeine in all its forms. Do not be deceived by those who slothfully confine their observance of the Word of Wisdom to coffee and tea, as required by the letter of the law. The December 2008 Ensign lays bare the physical and spiritual risks of such laxity, and warns against the aptly-named Energy Drink Epidemic.

I must give due credit to President Paternoster's for setting the example that prompted me to highlight these two articles for the benefit of others here. Through his example, I have come to see the importance of calling attention to the precious officially published materials that guide members to ever-more exact obedience.

Stake Pres. said...

Thank you all for your wonderful comments and insights. I know that as we ignore the writings of apostates such as Raptor Jesus and concentrate on Ensign articles and paying our tithing we will be blessed.

Kolobian the counsel given by your bishop inspired and uplifted me. Let us all heed his counsel.

a lowly sister in the one true church said...

Far be it from me, a lowly sister in the one true church to criticize P.P. even though he is not my own Stake President, I feel it is important to pay him the respect any servant of the Lord is due.

However, (and I really can't believe I'm saying this, as I have NEVER spoken ill of the Lord's anointed) I am afraid, P.P. that with this blog post you are leading many astray. This work is of the devil, and by drawing the attention of the unsuspecting to it, you may be tempting some beyond what they can bear, although the Lord does say he will never tempt us above what we are able to bear, but obviously some people...anyway, I don't really need to understand all that...Where was I? Ah yes, it is my belief that you are placing unneeded temptations before the meek and lowly of heart who rejoice in your blog posts! (I need a moment to compose myself after writing such a scathing, denunciatory sentence. Just a moment, please.)

There, now that I have chastised you (again, something I can only do because of the anonymity of the internet), I will show forth greater love by saying that I will continue to frequent your webpage, and peruse your words (sometimes as much as 3-4 times a day) to glean the kernels of truth and wisdom embedded therein.

With much Godly sorrow, and love for you, President, I remain faithfully,

a lowly sister in the one true church.

Stake Pres. said...

lowly sister in the one true church, it is wonderful to hear from you once again and you are absolutely right that drawing attention to this work of the devil 'may' result in some being tempted to investigate it further. Let us dedicate a fast unto them that they may overcome any such desires.

Iron Chancellor said...

Here I was thinking that online porn was dangerous but it is not near so damamging to the soul as somebody like raptor jesus. Thank you President for treading softly on enemy territory to warn us of the dangers out there. Its like when Boyd K and another apostle went to a porn shop and looked at lots of porn mags so they could warn the other brethren about how evil the world is getting out there. Its great to have such strong worthy souls out there to be tempted like that and still stay strong.
You hear so many lies about the church from these people that you know they all cant be true. They are just full of sin and were offended. I know because I was one of them. But then an atheist offended me so I came back to church and my life as been blessed so much since then. And like somebody else on this post said the pubic humiliation you feel at church knowing that everybody can see you dont take the sacrament and all that other stuff sure makes you want to repent and do better so you can be worthy of all of Gods blessings.
Stay away from anti church cr*p. It will ruin you eternal soul. It is from the devil or satan or beelzebub or lucifer or whatever you call him you will feel his spirit and it doesn't feel good. It is his lies and his desires to make people miserable like unto himself. Keep up the good work PRez!

Holy the Ghost said...

Dear President,
Thank you for reminding us that information and faith are incompatible. I will reredouble my efforts to avoid information so that I can avoid finding out such facts that might cause me to doubt the church's version of the truth. You are an inspiration to us all.