Monday, January 30, 2012

President Paternoster gets a Letter from the First Presidency

Brothers and Sisters one of the major highlights of my position within the Lord’s Kingdom is receiving letters directly from the First Presidency.  To see those three sacred signatures on a letter addressed to me fills me with wonder and awe. 

On a cold morning in december Sister Paternoster called me at my stake office with the joyful news that the postman had just dropped off such a letter.  Without hesitation I left the Chapel (nothing much happens there on Wednesday mornings anyway) and raced home as fast as I could. 

When Chad Smith, the local copper and member of the stake high council, stopped me for going above the speed of what would under normal circumstances be considered acceptable, I explained the reason and he followed me home to find out what revelation had come forth from our beloved prophets, seers and revelators.

When we arrived home Sister Paternoster excitedly opened the door and rushed us inside.  She then waited in the living room as Brother Smith and I went into my study area to see the priesthood direction that had been given.  

Words cannot express nor can tongue tell the feelings we had as I read the letter out loud to Brother Smith (I later learned that Sister Paternoster had been listening through the keyhole and had wept tears of joy at the changes). 

Due the sacred nature of the content I hesitate to post details on this blog as this is not a letter that will be read over the pulpit.  In a nutshell though, the message given dealt directly with the important issue of what underwear members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints should be wearing whilst doing yard work.

This is a very important issue and one that as a Stake President I have addressed many times.  Some are becoming slothful in the covenant they have made to wear their garments night and day and seek for unreasonable excuses to remove them.  Due to this from now on when interviewing members to ensure they are worthy to attend the temple the First Presidency statement on “Wearing the Temple Garment” has been modified to include the specific direction that “The garment should not be removed, either entirely or partially, to work in the yard.”

While many members may find themselves uncomfortable (especially on those stifling hot summer days of July and August), I testify that they will be blessed as they obey the instructions of the First Presidency in this sacred matter. 

I am thankful to know that our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ cares enough that not only does he notice the sparrow that falls but he also takes an interest in the underwear we have on when working in our yards.

May the First Presidency be blessed as they continue to inspire members to become more and more Christlike. 


President Paternoster

P.S. For the benefit of Bishoprics and Branch presidencies in my stake only I am attaching part of the letter to this blog post.  If you would like to see the original letter hanging in my living room at home, feel free to stop by.


Utahhiker801 said...

President Paternoster, I really want to thank you for providing such clear leadership to those of us who are sincerely striving, albeit imperfectly, to follow Jesus.

Contrary to what some atagonistic posters have done to you blog, please know I will never quote phrases in Latin. Because isn’t that really just the language of the Catholic Church? And while I would never speak ill of another church, I really think that Elder Bruce R. McConkie was on to something when he identified them as the “Great and Abominable church of the devil.”

Thank you again for your humble leadership in keeping us from error.

Elder N. Eldon Hoselfritz said...

While I certainly appreciate this information from the brethren, what I would really appreciate is clarification regarding the proper wearing of the garment during and after intimate relations.

Perhaps we can look forward to some divine guidance on this important and vital issue.

Spencer said...

Thank you so much for being a direct conduit to the supernal truths of a God who loves his sheep enough to micro-manage them (according to God's definition of the term...control freak bosses in the workplace are still micro-managing the "Worldly" way).

It is wisdom in Him that he guide us in the infinitessimal specificities of our private lives and in ways that might seem controlling or limiting.

He does it because he loves us. It hurts Him more than it hurts us. He wouldn't have to hit us if we would just be good. Now look what we made him do!

(Again, if you hear abusers uttering such phrases here on earth, they are not practicing controlling love as the Lord has exemplified, but are after the pattern of worldly abuse which is to be avoided in all non-spiritual settings).

WWN said...

Thank you for updating us on this important issue!

Our attitude toward our underwear (temple garments) DIRECTLY reflects our attitude toward Heavenly Father. Do we treat it with respect? Do we wear it at ALL times (excepting only bathing and intimacy) even when it is difficult or uncomfortable?

If we remove the underwear for an intimate few minutes with our spouse, do we don it IMMEDIATELY and unhesitatingly afterwards, as our church leaders have directed? If our temple underwear needs washing, are we careful to make sure it never touches the floor before we can get it washed, carefully and reverently folded, and put away?

I know that as long as we treat our sacred underwear as Heavenly Father wants us to, He will accept us and bless us!

lifelongguy said...

True revelation. And to think that the naysayers claim our prophets are no longer bring forth the Lord's voice to build upon such righteous precepts as the holy garment.


Spencer said...

May we all treat the sacred garment with the same respect and devotion we give to Elohim and our temple holding them closely always, allowing them to press against the taints, underscrotes, and armpits and absorb the sweat and skid marks therein. Even so, Amen

Anonymous said...

President, THANK YOU for confirming what I, personally, have always known and have done my best to testify to my sisters in Zion of the proper wearing of our holy garments while participating in sports, sexual relations, and dancing in a loin cloth if we happen to be starring in a production of "Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat".

I do have a question, I get a different answer from each priesthood leader and Temple Matron I ask: For us sisters, may we wear our bra underneath so our garment top so it is comfortable and looks pretty like a camisole? Or must we wear our bra on top of our garment top so it rides up under our breastal areas and armpits and reminds us of our covenants? When I went through the temple in 1983, right before I agreed to slit my throat and be disemboweled in my uplifting endowment session, the sister who washed, annointed and dressed me in my first pair of garments told me that NOTHING should be worn underneath. However many of the sisters in my ward have taken to wearing their bra underneath so it is more comfortable and looks pretty.

I await your counsel on this important issue. Until I hear further, I have decided to go bra-less to avoid even the appearance of evil. (My husband is actually quite happy about this and says "take your time answering..." He's SO sweet!)

Mahonri Kimball said...

I would indeed be ungrateful if I did not take this opportunity to express my gratitude to be living in these latter days when we have a living prophet who gives us ongoing revelation (Even Thomas S Monson)

One concern I do have with this weeks post is the lack of the traditional "warning" by "anon" regarding his unbelieving view of the sacred discussions on this blog.

Could someone go to his house and be sure that everything is alright? A home teacher perhaps (unless he refuses guidance from them as well as the good President Paternoster)

Insana D said...

Dearest President Paternoster,
Once again you bring forth the beauty and simplicity of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in a way that clarifies HIS divine purposes.

With all the troubles in the world, the wars, rumors of wars, corruption in government, graft and greed, economic depression, people losing their homes, starvation, rape, genocide and atrocities on a scale that tears at the heart it's just so comforting to know that our dear Father in Heaven is guiding these inspired men to direct his children in these minute ways.

Sure, Heavenly Father could inspire one of these men, even Thomas S. Monson on which nation to warn of an impending natural disaster. He could plant the seed of intellect into one who could then unlock the secrets of cancer and find a cure that would save millions of people from untimely and painful death. He could even inspire some of our great LDS leaders to direct a political movement that would bring peace and prosperity to a traumatized nation but he does none of that.

He knows every hair on our heads, every nuance of our bodily functions, even the minute thoughts that drift in and out of our brains. So it doesn't surprise me that the God of Mormonism would focus his attention on what his Saints should be wearing under their clothing while doing their weekend labors.

I am filled with the spirit to know that the Lord is speaking through his servants, the Prophets and that they are concerned about our underpants. If that isn't love I don't know what is.

Spongebobshitmypants said...

I was so excited to receive new revelation from our prophet that I sh*t my pants. It is too far for me to go home right now so I will sit and not remove my underpants for the next 8 hours. I bear testimony that obedience is the first principle that will allow me entrance into the kingdom of heaven. Gotta colleagues are making faces at me.


Brother B. said...

This is yet another example of an essential doctrine that has been lost through the great apostasy. It is for such prophetic pronouncements that the world is in need of leaders who are inspired by the One True God. Just think of the kind of underwear a person might wear in the yard without these watchmen on the tower!

I testify that this would indeed be a dark and dreary world if it were not for the inspired counsel of our beloved prophets.

Ladell Tanner said...

I am disheartened by this news President, as I recently invested in several new pairs of Speedo micro briefs solely for the purpose of mowing my lawn.

Anonymous said...


This is NOT a website sanctioned by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Nor is "President Paternoster" a stake president within the Church. Rather, this site is farce, and [usually] not good farce, at that.

Most of the posts here are written by quasi-apostates who mock those who are sincerely striving, albeit imperfectly, to follow Jesus.

Caveat utilitor.

Anonymous said...

Phew!! Anonymous warner man is OKAY!! We can all breathe easy. Someone let his home teachers know they don't need to stop by.

Cindy said...

I didn't even know that people not wearing their garments during gardening was even a problem. I don't see why someone would feel like they had to remove them unless they are just trying to find excuses not to in which case there's obviously some underlining issue they are dealing with. If members weren't so rebellious our leaders wouldn't have to be waisting their time reiterating such simple instructions and could be spending their time on more important things.

CanuckAussie said...

This is surely proof that President Monson talks with God. I hear so many naysayers complain that there is no longer any kind of useful revelations to help us through these difficult times fraught with doubt, unemployment, worsening economy, terrorism and natural disasters. Those naysayers now can have hope that God really cares and he shows His love and concern by providing further previously unknown instructions regarding the Holy Underwear Club of Joseph's Myth. It is such a comfort to know that we have living prophets can give us such guidance in these difficult times. Pity those outside of the church that have no idea how their underwear is to be worn, or even what underwear to learn. Thank you President Monson!

Anonymous said...

I totally agree. Temple worthy members should wear their garments at all times. They should not remove them for gardening, exercising at the gym nor swimming.

If the women of Islam can compete in the Olympics, swim at the pool and exercise with their body covered from head to toe then so can the LDS women. We would not want the world to think the people of the Muslim faith are more worthy and dedicated to their faith then the LDS women are.

Would we?

Troy said...

President, Thank you for taking the time to make sure we are hot as hell on earth, so we don't have to be hot IN hell after this earth. If I don't get bloody from the sacred markings chafing my garment-protected nipples while doing yard work in our 100 degree temps, I personally feel unworthy and cannot bear to eat the Wonder bread emblems served me at church the next day. Also, to feel the sweat-soaked nylon screech against my skin as I pull it over my head to briefly change my sacred clothing, I feel a bit of the atonement and Jesus' suffering. Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me.

Anonymous said...

I am not a member of your so-called church but my wife is.
She is a good woman but sometimes I think she has mush for brains to believe the nonsense her church spews out on a regular basis.

Angels, goldplates, Hebrews? Give me a break.

Anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of DNA knows by now that the ancestors of the American Indians came from ASIA!
Which makes the Book of Mormon a FRAUD!
Ditto for your church!

So how dare you tell my wife that she has to wear those erection deflating garments day and night! She has a great body and I buy hear a new bikini every year.

In the future,I thank you to keep you nose out of our sex life and, in particular, out of her underwear.

Dirk D. Wright

If your pairs of effeminate looking missionaries ever show up on my property again I will sick the dogs on them.
And if that does not keep them away I will happily introduce them to my gun collection.
Consider yourself warned.

Anonymous said...

What a thrilling blog post! I tell you, my pulse was pounding after the part describing President Paternoster's high-speed code 3 response to receive revelation, escorted by his faithful councilor.

Insana D said...

A lovely young LDS woman, still nubile from her youthful body was expressing some doubt and discomfort about wearing the garments at all times.

She reached out to other valiant sisters who offered great advice to help her with her moral struggle. Some of the suggestions were so inspired, including to pray more, to read her scriptures, and best of all, that if she wanted to wear more attractive undergarments she could wear them OVER the top of the garments.

Then in a game of erotic gift unwrapping her husband could barter household chores for the privilege of removing the outer items and then when he was ready for the pro-creative act they could remove the garment bottoms and perform the chore.

After she cleaned herself up they would put their garments back on to help keep their covenants and remember their commitment to the church first, marriage and personal needs later.

I can attest to how fascinating and sensual this sort of adult marital game might become. I was at a local Mega Store the other day and saw a beautiful young woman with a new baby. This wonderful young mother was dressed in her very best designer jeans, attractive heels, and a form fitting sweater but all seemed a bit tight given that she'd recently had a baby.

She bent down to pick a toy from a lower shelf and I saw that she was faithfully wearing her holy garments but over the top there was the alluring tell tale sign of some more seductive underwear that I believe the young ladies call "thongs" (not the hideous sinful flip flops of my generation).

I felt so proud that she was able to blend the two very opposite poles of LDS Garments and the more modern "thong" underwear. It warms my heart to see our young sisters being so faithful to the commitments they make in the holy Temple.

Mahonri Kimball said...

Re; ANON; "Angels, Goldplates, Hebrews?, give me a break!"

Why is that there are so many people who will not open their hearts and minds to the truth of the Lords one and only true Church? This is truly another sign that we are in the last days, when so many "claim" not to be able to see the plain and precious truths that are laid before them like pearls before swine.

The Lord has said that if you are not a member of his one true Church in these latter days, even the Mormon Church, then you belong to the Great and Abominable Church of the Devil. This post by ANON is filled with hate and disdain for the Book of Mormon and for the faithful servants of the Lord. It is obvious to me which master he is committed to serve.... How sad.

Verle Jensensen said...

I so loved those occasions last summer when I would accidentally look out my bedroom window and see Sister Christensen -- my newlywed neighbor -- tending to her large, ripe tomatoes. She would always wear her special gardening halter top... the one with the little beehives on it. I guess this puts the kibosh on that.

Anonymous said...

While many members may find themselves uncomfortable (especially on those stifling hot summer days of July and August), I testify that they will be blessed as they obey the instructions of the First Presidency in this sacred matter.

So true, President. One of the blessings of living in these Latter Days is that global warming will make July and August more and more stifling as the years go by. This means greater and greater blessings for the faithful Saints!

LaNephi Morgood said...

During the winter months here in the land of Zion, snow falls and covers these everlasting hills. Just recently, on an early winter morn, I partially removed my garments, keeping the tops on but removing the bottoms, and then donning a warm pair of long johns in preparation for shoveling the snow from our driveway.

While pushing the shovel, the edge caught in a groove in the driveway, driving the handle into my man parts. Never did any handle of a shovel come with more power to the loins of man than this did at this time to mine. It seemed to enter with great force into every feeling of body. I retched over it again and again. The pain had such an astonishing influence over me that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction. At the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to the inability to add to the Morgood clan, I saw the front door of our house open and Mrs. Morgood’s head appear. As I reached out to my beloved wife I heard her say, “I told you you should have kept your garment bottoms on.”

And so brothers and sisters, it is my testimony that our garments are a protection not only to our spirit but to our precious parts as well. I know that the brethren only have our best interests at heart. Please keep your garments on at all times, not only in the stifling months of July and August, but also in the cold winter months.

Future Mrs. Paternoster (wife #2) said...

Seriously President, every time I read your blog posts I fall deeper in love with you - a chosen and called leader of the one and only true church! Your countenance truly fills me with a warmth indescribable because of it's sacred nature. I hope to be your plural wife one day in the celestial kingdom!

Himzelph said...

It is with a heavy heart that I post this comment.

Having disregarded my mother's counsel to never read "anti mormon literature" I lost my testimony.

Thinking I could use the drawer space I threw all of my garments in the bin, not even a week before this inspired post.

Sadly, the council truck collected the rubbish this morning, about three hours before the good President's post pricked my conscience and all the faithful commenters reminded my of the sacredness and benefits of the garment of the holy priesthood.

I guess it is unlikely that I can be forgiven for defiling the garment such, so I suppose I need not get out my credit card and order new undies from the distribution centre on the other side of the country.

Yours in disfellowshipment,


Himzelph said...

Also, Brother Morgood, I am still laughing (not loudly, mind you, as per the covenant) at your account of your garden mishap.

Reminds me of all the inspiring stories I heard in the MTC about snake venom not penetrating the garment and of people caught in fires getting burnt everywhere except the areas covered by the garment. Must be made from the same stuff as Superman's suit.

Anonymous said...


I have soiled myself.

Semper ubi sub ubi.

Anonymous said...

This is the one and only "ANONYMOUS" posting in response to the 2/3/12 post of the fake "ANONYMOUS":

Actually funny!

☼ Dayna said...


I see your latest comment says our dear President Paternoster's blog is "not USUALLY" a good farce this time! Have you modified your cut and paste for this blog entry?

In the words of our beloved Nephi: "the guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center."

lowly sister in the one true church said...

Sadly, I see there is no new post this Monday, so I will have to content myself with commenting on this lovely post that I have already read 30 or 50 times.

There was so much to glean from last week's post, I just read it over and over along with all the comments until it was ingrained in my heart.

Dear Bro. Morgood, every time I re-read your post I have tears streaming down my face. I must be feeling that special feeling of repentance that one feels when they are truly humbled and feel Godly sorrow for their sins. I know there have been times I wished I could wear the holy garment to more perfectly follow the pattern set by our Lord and Savior, Jos...I mean, Jesus Christ (he wore "the garment" didn't he?)

But alas, in his perfect knowledge my Heavenly Father has not seen fit to bless me with an opportunity to go through his sacred temple with one who holds the priesthood power. Until that time I remain, a lowly sister in the one true church.

Ibowedmyheadandsaidyes said...

LaNephi...OH...MY...HEAVENLY FATHER! The same thing happened to me just the other day! I join you in solemn testimoney that wearing the sacred g's will ALWAYS protection your sagging nuts from the evil intentions of the snow shovel handle.

In the name of Summer's Eve,


Troy said...

O President, Where art thou? and Where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? And it came to pass that the President hid and His people heareth him not. They kepteth going back to their computers for the post-sabbath article, but none wath kept. And the people were wroth in their weakness. O President, please bolster our way and posteth more of thy words. Until that time cometh, let us be patient in our sins. For the time of the President shall draw nigh and his hands will be placed upon our heads. I say this in the name of thy son, even bill, jr, amen.

Anonymous said...

"I explained the reason and he followed me home to find out what revelation had come forth from our beloved prophets, seers and revelators."

Ah, Paternoster, that made my evening.

I would love to offer sacrament in the chapel using pop. That would be awesome. Maybe some chicken in a biscuit for the bread.

Sister Paternoster said...

"Future Mrs. Paternoster (wife #2)" You'll have to set up an interview with me. I've got several other potential wives already with appointments and am booked up for this month but how does April work for you?

Anonymous said...

Thank you President. Your words are awesome! Thank you for enforcing Church doctrine. I pray for you and hope you can keeping writing your blog! I'll make sure that more people read your blog!

Alison said...

This is still my favourite post.

Anonymous said...

Dear President Patternoster
My neighbor DeVerle Eyring insists on mowing his lawn shirtless and I mean to say that while he is, indeed, shirtless.... i mean it in the sense that he takes off the Gentile clothing BUT KEEPS THE HOLY GARMENT ON. That is right. He started yesterday.


I have fasted and prayed for 22 hours now and I feel that the ghost who is holy is directing me to start a surveillance on DeVerle's obscenities. I will not tolerate such willful covenant breaching on my street any longer.

I am reporting him to the police. He is obscene and lewd.